Saturday, September 6, 2014

One Year Old: Dear Sweet Pea

Dear Sweet Pea,

I've been thinking about you so much lately. I go to bed thinking about you. I wake up thinking about you. I look at your little sister and think about you. I have to be honest even now, a year and 7 months after we lost you, I still struggle. 

You see, my Sweet Pea, today could have been your birthday. If you had been like your little sister and come on your due date (well she came on her first due date that is) then you would be one year old today. I'd be lying to you if I told you it didn't hit me like a ton of bricks. I think about what a glorious party we would have had for you. All your friends and family would have been there. We would have had a smash cake for you and you would have made a mess with it as you sat in your high chair. I would have taken pictures like a crazy woman, not wanting to miss a single moment of your first birthday. The party would have been months of planning and I would have loved every minute of it. You would have, of course, had the perfect birthday outfit and your daddy would have been the most patient man in the world as I went psycho trying to find it. 

It is in these moments that I am swept up with grief over losing you, my precious one. Because not only did I lose you, I lost all the hopes and dreams that I had for you. I lost watching you taking your first breath, first steps, prom dates, high school graduation, your wedding. I lost learning about your likes and dislikes. I lost the sound of your laughter and figuring out what it takes to make you laugh. I lost comforting you while you cry.  I lost you and even more I lost knowing you.

I hold dearly in my heart that short period of time we were together. For you were my first and you made me a mother, even though we never met outside of the womb. 

I still love you so very much, Sweet Pea. I will always, always love you. I look forward to the day with eager anticipation when your daddy, your little sister, and I all get to meet you for the first time. Until then I take comfort in knowing you are safely swept up in the arms of the Creator. 

Happy birthday, my beautiful Sweet Pea!