The weeks following the D&C were BY FAR the darkest of my entire life. I took the rest of the week off work, not because the recovery was demanding, but rather because I was not ready emotionally to go back. I knew there would be questions about why I had taken off so suddenly and I wasn't ready to face them. I also knew that I wasn't ready to go back to working with other people's children all day, not when I had just lost mine.
My mother stayed with me most of the week... She was a God send. I don't know how I would have coped in the days that followed without her. My husband would leave for work and my mom would come lay down with me after he left - so that I was never alone. I, unfortunately, am a comfort eater (I know, I know not the most glamorous of coping strategies). My mom and husband would bring me all my favorites: cookies, peanut butter m&ms, gummy bears, chips and cheese dip... Pretty much all the worst stuff. At one point in the days that followed, my mom said to me "I'm not gonna tell you that you can't have the cookies, but you have to at least eat some fruit too." We laugh about that now. In fact one evening, mom and I went to the grocery store to buy some things for dinner. We came back with a block of Velveeta, a can of Rotel, and a bag of chips. When Kevin got home from work, we ecstatically informed him that we had gone shopping for dinner and we were having chips and cheese dip. Kevin is quite possibly the most patient man in the history of the world. Even though I know in his heart of hearts he believes chips and cheese dip does not constitute a meal, he allowed us to eat it and only made the request that we at least have some grilled chicken with it as well.
So all that to say here is my list of ways that I coped after the loss of Sweet Pea:
1. Comfort Eating -- You obviously already know this as based on the account above. Admittedly this is not necessarily a recommended strategy, but it was (for better or worse) one of the ways I handled the loss. It's not a very good or healthy way though, so I don't endorse it. Regardless, my words to you are the same as my mother's were to me... I'm not gonna tell you that you can't have the cookies, but you have to at least eat some fruit too.
2. Crying -- I never fought the urge to cry and I think that this really helped. I compare the feeling to sinking and swimming... I could tell when I was teetering on the edge of sinking and losing it. And when I felt that happening, I allowed myself to go there and I would cry as I had never cried before. I never tried to hold it back. I allowed myself to grieve fully over the loss of our baby.
3. One Action at a Time -- People always say just take it one day at a time. Well for me, one day at a time was too much, too long. I couldn't function thinking in days. I couldn't even function thinking in hours. I could only function thinking in actions. I would tell myself now it's time to get up and then I would do that. Now it's time to take a shower and I would do that. I would make concessions for myself. For example, I would tell myself, you don't have to put on real clothes, but you at least have to put on some sweatpants. One action is enough. Just start there and eventually you will be able to move forward, to think in longer durations again.
4. Songwriting -- This may not work for everyone, but it worked for me. I attempted to start a journal of our story, but that was too hard, too fresh. I couldn't handle that just yet. However, (and perhaps it is because I am a music therapist) there were evenings when I would sit at the piano and pour my heart out through songwriting because it was the only way I could articulate the pain of my loss.
5. Bible Study -- Right after our loss, I began Beth Moore's Bible study on James with the pastors from my church. Holy cow... I cannot begin to tell you how phenomenal this study was. The timing couldn't have been more divine. I will warn you there was at least one lesson that I ugly cried the whole way through. I mean uncontrollably sobbed. But boy did I need to hear it.
6. Social Support -- Not very many people knew about what was going on with us at that point. Our family and close friends knew, that was pretty much it. But those who did rose around us like an army. People sent cards, called, texted, came to visit, prayed, sent flowers. One of my dear friends came over between the time we found out about Sweet Pea and the D&C and sat on the futon with me and cried. She seriously wept with me. It was the sweetest moment to know that she loved us so much that she would grieve with us as if the loss was her own. I treasure, treasure that moment.
Everyone's story is different. Everyone processes loss differently. May this list be a starting point for you as you find your healing.
Love,
Jess
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