The Beginnings of Sweet Pea

It's always so funny where our life journey takes us, seemingly to places we never imagined. Some of those places are wonderlands, some are nightmares. All of them teach you, but some teach you more than others.

This is the very beginning, the start of our journey into the unknown realms of parenthood.

We found out we were expecting on December 19, 2012. I don't know if dates are really that important to the telling, but I feel like maybe they are. It gives you, my dear reader and friend, a timeline. For those of you who know Kevin and I personally, it will probably answers some questions. Additionally, I always said that I didn't want to forget a single moment of this part of our life. I'm not sure why. It still kills me to tell the story. But maybe because from the brokenness, you can truly find God. Maybe because when you have nothing else to hold on to, you manage to find God in a way that you never could without the utter destruction. But I digress for now...

We found out we were expecting on December 19, 2012. We were shocked and absolutely thrilled when we found out. I wish I could do a better job articulating the feeling. We couldn't believe it! We had taken a pregnancy test four days prior and it was negative - we honestly didn't think we would get a positive test a mere four day later. Truthfully, we really didn't expect to get pregnant so fast. I had only been off the pill for 2 months and we had only been actively trying for one month. But oh we were so happy when we found out. How can you possibly contain so much joy??? I wanted to shout it out to the world! It was beautiful in every way, shape and form.

We told Kevin's parents and sister about the baby on Christmas day.  I think they were in disbelief at first. We gave Evelyn a bib that said "who needs Santa when there's grandma" and Dan a picture frame with a poem about babies. They were a little slow on the up-take so it seemed. I think it finally clicked when Kevin shouted "we're having a baby!" After that it was all screaming and hugging. So much happiness and love and excitement.

Those first few weeks were so exciting. We would refer to our baby by its size. Baby was our sweet pea, our blueberry, our raspberry. We loved the little nugget so much already. We dreamed of what our lives would be like when he or she arrived. We wondered if we had a little boy or a little girl. We tried on baby names for size and meandered through every baby section in every store. Everything seemed so perfect - the timing impeccable. We had no idea about the ticking time bomb that was about to detonate with every passing minute - it would seemingly destroy us.

I look back and knowing now what happens, how the tale of our Sweet Pea will end, I still can't help but be enamored by the beginnings. I loved this baby... Oh how, I loved this baby... I would have given anything to save this baby and I couldn't... There was nothing I could do to save our Sweet Pea in the end... But even still I feel the love... Even still I feel the beauty that was the beginning.

And so my dear reader, we must always strive to remember that beginnings really are beautiful...

Love,
Jess

Inaugural Post

I've always thought our story should be told...

Even though at this point in time it is still very incomplete....

Just to clear the air, my intent for sharing our story is not now nor will it ever be for narcissistic purposes or seeking out unnecessary sympathy. With that said, I am not so blind as to recognize that this is probably more of an outlet for me than I care to truly admit. I do consciously choose to share our story because I think too many families have all too similar stories and somehow we need to rise up and support each other through the pain. If you are like us, know that I love you dearly and I have wept innumerable tears for you...  You are not alone despite the isolation these circumstances inevitably bring.

This marks the beginning of our journey. So far it has been a roller coaster to say the least.  There has been much laughter and more tears than I ever thought I could cry in one life. This is the story of our past, present, and future. I document it all here.

I hope that only those who need to hear our story will be the ones to stumble upon this blog and that from our ashes beauty may arise.