Babies Don't Come with Manuals

There's no manual that comes with mommy-hood. There are days that I sorely wish that manual had popped on out with this baby. But it didn't and so here we are...

I love being a mommy. Holy Moses, do I love it! I had no idea exactly how much I would adore it until I held Baby Blossom in my arms for the first time. I also was completely overwhelmed with being a new mommy (and let's be honest, 8 months in I still get completely overwhelmed some days!). I spent the first 6 weeks of her life convinced that the rock n play would give her a flat head because middle of the night feedings lead to entirely too many google searches.... Seriously, I made my physical therapist friend check her head every time she came over because I was so freaked out she would get a flat head from sleeping in the rock n play. Oh and that's just one example. Google is not a friend of new mommies. If I can give you one piece of advice it is stay away from google during late night feedings.. It only fuels the insanity! 

For Babies are not born with manuals and yet everyone has an opinion on how to care for them. Google and trips to the grocery store will show you that. 

And let's not even begin to discuss that once you think you have it figured out, those darn babies go and change on you and all of a sudden you're a blubbering mess.... Again....  We finally figured out breast feeding and oh wait it's time to start solids! What am I supposed to give her? Does she need water? How many meals a day? But she had no teeth! Oh wait she's crawling now and pulling up on everything. You mean we have to baby proof?? What do we need for that?

And to continue the trend, moments like today occur. As I sit typing this I am nursing a baby and a bruised back side. You see not only did I fall down the stairs while trying to get laundry done, but my child unbeknownst to me took a bite out of a baby mum mums box and decided to hide the bite on the roof of her mouth. I noticed said bite while I was changing her and then got freaked out that she would choke on it and thus began a 30 minute tug of war where I could NOT for the life of me get her to open her mouth. The one time in her ENTIRE 8 month life where she refuses to open her mouth or chew on anything.  We tried toothbrushes, fingers, pacis, toys and with every failed attempt I began to get more panicky. Finally I managed to get my pinky in there and scrape it out. Moral of this story is that boxes are not harmless toys and you can't turn your back for a second. Not even to do the wee baby's pile of laundry which is so tall the baby will have to go naked tomorrow if it doesn't get done today. 

For, sweet friends, no matter how much you wish it, there is not a baby manual to tell you all these things...

And it's in the chaos of all these moments that two things occur. Number one, I notice that some things haven't changed at all. I still love Baby Blossom fiercely. She still loves to cuddle and sleep in my arms and I never get tired of holding her and looking at her and realizing that God gave us a most precious gift. And number two, I'm thankful for grace. Grace to make mistakes as I stumble through this journey called mommy-hood. Grace to get frustrated and cry and not to win the mommy of the year award today and to feel like I'll never get a full night's sleep again... Grace to realize that tomorrow is a new day and tomorrow I will be an even better mommy than I was today because experience and Jesus are the best teachers. And no manual ever written could possibly compare to that!

Love, 

Jess

One Year Old: Dear Sweet Pea

Dear Sweet Pea,

I've been thinking about you so much lately. I go to bed thinking about you. I wake up thinking about you. I look at your little sister and think about you. I have to be honest even now, a year and 7 months after we lost you, I still struggle. 

You see, my Sweet Pea, today could have been your birthday. If you had been like your little sister and come on your due date (well she came on her first due date that is) then you would be one year old today. I'd be lying to you if I told you it didn't hit me like a ton of bricks. I think about what a glorious party we would have had for you. All your friends and family would have been there. We would have had a smash cake for you and you would have made a mess with it as you sat in your high chair. I would have taken pictures like a crazy woman, not wanting to miss a single moment of your first birthday. The party would have been months of planning and I would have loved every minute of it. You would have, of course, had the perfect birthday outfit and your daddy would have been the most patient man in the world as I went psycho trying to find it. 

It is in these moments that I am swept up with grief over losing you, my precious one. Because not only did I lose you, I lost all the hopes and dreams that I had for you. I lost watching you taking your first breath, first steps, prom dates, high school graduation, your wedding. I lost learning about your likes and dislikes. I lost the sound of your laughter and figuring out what it takes to make you laugh. I lost comforting you while you cry.  I lost you and even more I lost knowing you.

I hold dearly in my heart that short period of time we were together. For you were my first and you made me a mother, even though we never met outside of the womb. 

I still love you so very much, Sweet Pea. I will always, always love you. I look forward to the day with eager anticipation when your daddy, your little sister, and I all get to meet you for the first time. Until then I take comfort in knowing you are safely swept up in the arms of the Creator. 

Happy birthday, my beautiful Sweet Pea!

Love, 

Mommy