Friday, February 28, 2014

Little Acts of Faith

My dear, sweet reader! I thank you for bearing with me in my absence as we have been adjusting to our life with a newborn and I must say what an adjustment it has been! BUT that is a different post for a different day..

There were some definite surprises that occurred after the arrival of our beloved Baby Blossom. There were a lot of things I anticipated with having a newborn (ie. sleep deprivation, sore boobs from breast feeding, an increase in laundry, being confined to our house for awhile, etc.), but there have been so many things that happened that I didn't anticipate. I didn't anticipate that little acts of faith would continue once Baby Blossom made her way into the world and that has been a huge challenge for me.

Little acts of faith...

I had planned to write this blog post when I was still pregnant with Baby Blossom, but didn't quite make it that far and after having her and experiencing so much of what I did, I felt now was in fact the right time to write it.

When we first found out we were pregnant with Baby Blossom, I struggled with fear. It was almost unbearable, almost all consuming, almost drowning. I had the worst war with fear throughout the first trimester and really throughout my entire pregnancy. I felt the need to guard my heart in case we lost her like we did Sweet Pea, but at the same time I didn't want to keep myself from loving her completely. It was such a strange dichotomy, wanting to dream about her and imagine her being her with us and also trying to protect myself from pain in case she went to heaven first.

BUT as the weeks progressed I found myself realizing that I couldn't live as though I would lose her and it was time to put a little faith on display through actions. After all, faith really is an action word. Hebrews 11 (commonly known as the faith chapter) is full of faith action words: by faith Abel brought, by faith Noah built, by faith Abraham obeyed and went, by faith Jacob blessed,  by faith Joseph spoke, etc. It was time for Jessica to do some things by faith. 

I referred to them as little acts of faith. Not big, not grandiose, but small every day tasks that helped me battle fear and walk by faith.

I remember one evening in my first trimester, Kevin and I were grocery shopping at Publix. We came to the vitamin section and low and behold there were DHA supplements on clearance. I mean a SUPER STEAL and there were 3 or 4 boxes left. I knew that I needed to be taking DHA while pregnant as the thought of eating any fish in the first trimester sent my stomach into spins. SO when we found these boxes on clearance I knew we should buy them all, but I was seized up by fear. What if we buy all of these and lose the baby and then I have to stare at them, a reminder of what we lost. I remember very distinctly the war going on and the conversation I had with Kevin about it. I finally said to him, by faith Jessica bought the DHA. I chose to complete a little act of faith. It wasn't anything big or dramatic, but to me it was mind altering in defeating the fear.

This continued throughout the pregnancy... Little acts of faith in order to defeat fear. Announcing our pregnancy on Facebook, buying baby things, checking out baby books from the library, buying maternity clothes... All of these are incredibly small tasks, but I associated a huge amount of fear with them because... well... what if we lost her?

What I never anticipated as I progressed through this journey was that the little acts of faith would have to continue once she was born. I never in a million years thought that the almost debilitating fear would continue when she was on this side. In fact, I was so ready for her to be on this side because I thought surely she would be safer than inside. I was so incredibly sick during my third trimester and between lung infections, heartburn, asthma, the flu, and a number of other illnesses seemingly on a cocktail of drugs at all times. I was terrified about the side effects of the drugs on Baby Blossom... I seriously thought if I could just hold her on this side, I could keep her safe...

And now fast forward to our first night at home after being in the hospital and the realization that we are responsible totally for her well being coupled with a far unhealthy obsession with SIDs and the result was fear beyond measure. I ugly cried the first night that we had to go to sleep at the same time she did as I was scared beyond words that I would wake up and she would be gone... That somehow I would lose this perfect gift much like I had lost Sweet Pea.

And so the little acts of faith continued.... because you can't stay awake forever... Eventually one has to go to sleep.

So every night, I pray protection over her and remind myself that ultimately she is in God's hands and I trust His faithfulness and then I go to sleep.

Your little acts of faith don't go unnoticed, my sweet reader. Be encouraged. He is faithful.