Friday, November 15, 2013

Why?



I was talking to a friend recently who was telling me of another friend who experienced a pregnancy loss. The question of "why?" came up. I think that all of us who have experienced pregnancy loss and really loss in general struggle with this question. Why me? Why did this happen to me? Why did God do this to us? You are completely normal for questioning. I truly believe it is a part of the grieving and coping process.

When we lost Sweet Pea, we were devastated. I REALLY struggled with the why part. I mean STRUGGLED. I was raised with a rich christian heritage and had been taught from the time I can remember that there is an order to things. My mother used to repeatedly tell me throughout my life (although she made a point to CONSTANTLY, seriously CONSTANTLY, reinforce this when I was in high school and college) that the order of life events should always go as follows: School, Job, Marriage, Children. When I was growing up there was to be NO deviation from this order. Once I got into college she did tell me that job and marriage could be switched if AND only if the husband already had a job. ;)

I followed this order... The original order too, mind you. I do often try to be a rule follower in spite of my rather rebellious natural tendencies. I went to school and got a degree, then got a job, about 5 months later got married, and a little over 2 years later got pregnant. I did everything the 'right' way. And Kevin and I even added a step to the order. We waited until we were financially stable enough to support a child before trying to get pregnant. We both firmly believed that we did not want to bring a child into this world if we were not fully prepared to independently, financially support him or her.

Dear reader, when I tell you I struggled with the why, I mean it with every fiber of my being. I followed the order. Every 'i' was dotted and every 't' was crossed. I did exactly what my momma and my faith told me to do... And I still lost my baby... It seemed to me to be cruelest of cruels. I watched as acquaintances, friends, and even family members deviated from the order and they got to keep their babies. I watched as individuals on my Facebook complain over and over about being single mommies and 2 weeks later would announce their 2nd or 3rd pregnancies with no husbands or daddies in tact.

And I lost my Sweet Pea....

I will be completely open and honest with you, it burned me up. I was judgmental. I was envious. I was angry. And more than all of these emotions put together, I was broken and destroyed that I did everything 'right' and lost. Why me, God? I did everything You said I should so why me?

I wish I had good answers for you. But I don't. I don't know why God chose to take my Sweet Pea to heaven before I would ever get to know him or her. What I do know is that it's okay to question. What I do know is that when you experience a loss so profound, it changes you to your core and you can feel for others what you couldn't have had you not walked through the valley. What I do know is that the testing of your faith produces perseverance and with perseverance you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  (James 1:2-4)

What I do know is that you always have a choice in how you will let loss effect you. I could choose to be angry and bitter with God, but where would that get me? I would just continue in a destructive lifestyle. Or I can choose to let the brokenness bring me closer to God and to trust that He is in control when I have no idea what He is doing or why He is doing it. And I will tell you, my sweet reader, there is something unparalleled about reaching out to God admist brokenness. Quite honestly, I have never felt closer to Him than in the times when I was utterly destroyed.

You are not alone.

Love,
Jess