2 Weeks in Limbo

The next 2 weeks were probably the worst of my life... I just knew something was wrong, but I couldn't seem to get any of the medical staff to do anything about it. I continued to bleed throughout the entire 2 weeks. I felt constantly in a state of limbo, which in a way can be a million times worse than actually knowing the outcome. At least when you know the outcome, you can begin to heal and move forward. I was stuck in a state of fervently praying and believing everything was okay and knowing that the symptoms indicated otherwise.

I went back to the doctor on Friday, January 18th - a week after our first appointment. I felt like I was having some other 'issues' downstairs and wanted to be looked at... But quite frankly, I think that me going to the doctor again was another cry for help, a someone please tell me what is going because everything I know about pregnancy says that you aren't supposed to bleed for a week and a half. Our midwife was not available to see me so I was seen by another midwife and her student.

Side note: I'm never opposed to students coming in to check me out with the doctor. Being a supervisor of students myself, I'm always grateful when the families with whom I work allow my students to be a part of the process. BUT can we all just say how completely UNCOMFORTABLE it is to have a student at your lady doctor. And then low and behold the lady doctor has to leave the room for some unknown reason and you are stuck making small talk with the student who just looked at your who-ha. It's totally awkward. And is just me or does it always seems that those students have the worst social skills in the history of man... They inevitable either say something really weird to you like "Wow... I've never seen a cervix do that before" or they can't seem to make eye contact with you at all, never mind the fact that they just had their eyes all over your who-ha... Awkward... End side note.

The midwife proceeded to check me out and insisted that she do a pap smear and a culture. She informed me that the pap smear would probably make me bleed. I informed her that I had been bleeding for a week and a half already, to which she responded that it was probably just implantation bleeding and it would stop soon. If I had known then what I know now, I would have declined the pap smear altogether. But I didn't. She thought that I probably had a bacterial infection and put me on a medication to treat it, but said that we wouldn't know for sure until the culture came back. She instructed me to begin using the medication immediately.

When I went to pick up the medication, the pharmacist seemed concerned that they would put me on this medication when I was only in my first trimester. She called the doctor to confirm that it was correct and they said of course it was fine. That did nothing to settle my already more than frazzled nerves...

I began taking the medication, only to find out a few days later that the culture had come back negative and I was to cease taking the medication immediately... I felt incredibly deflated and defeated at this point.

I was scheduled to go back to the doctor for my 8 week prenatal exam the following Friday, January 25th. That day we found out we would never get to meet our Sweet Pea... And as dark as it was that day and over the weeks and months to come, I think that being in limbo was still its own complete force with which to be reckoned. Looking back, I don't know how we made it through those 2 weeks. I suppose it truly was by the grace of God.

If you are stuck in limbo right now, know that I have walked with you and cried with you through every step of the unknown. And just remember, my dear sweet reader, even limbo has to and will eventually come to end... It won't go on forever... And from there healing can begin.

Love,
Jess