Check out this post from Scissortail Silk!

My dear sweet reader,

I want to take a minute to share with you a wonderfully compelling blog post written by another. When I read this particular post it thoroughly resonated with me. I hope that for those of you who have also walked the difficult journey of becoming a parenthood after miscarriage or for those of you who are still walking through that journey, you find comfort and inspiration in these words. You absolutely do not suffer alone nor do you have to suffer in silence. Your loss was real and worth every tear that was shed. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise.

I also want to end this post by saying I believe in love. I believe in faith, hope, and love. And I believe that the greatest of these is love. Don't confuse our, perhaps, disagreement on choices made with judgement or lack of love.

I love you, dear one, and I will always fight to shatter the silence of pregnancy loss.

Love,
Jess

Please take a moment to read the post below:
http://www.scissortailsilk.com/2014/05/13/how-abortion-has-changed-the-discussion-of-miscarriage/

Three Months

Dear Baby Blossom,

I can't believe that you are three months old... It is so surreal to me at times. It seems just yesterday I was carrying you in my belly. It seems just yesterday I was dreaming about what you would look like and what your little personality would be like and I was also worrying if you were okay in there. Now I worry if you will be okay out here in the big, wide world. I suppose some things haven't changed at all... Still you have unequivocally rocked our world in every way, shape, and form.

Being your mommy is my absolute joy and privilege. To be honest, I had no idea exactly how much I would love being your mommy until you got here. Oh, I dreamed about it of course... But it wasn't until I held you for the first time that I knew I loved being YOUR mommy.

I love you so much. I love your sweet laugh and gummy grin. I love how I know whether you are tired or hungry by the way you cry. I love holding you and rocking you while you sleep. I love how expressive you are at such a young age. You not only have a range of smiles and laughs, but you frown and furrow your brow too. I love how when you wake up in the morning the minute you see my face you light up. I love dressing you up in all kinds of cute clothes (even though I know that clothing isn't really your favorite thing right now, but we'll work on that, eh?).

You rolled over for the first time a week ago (the evening of Saturday, March 29th) and you did it again this week. I am ever amazed by how quickly you are growing. You sometimes are a little dramatic and I'm pretty sure you got that from me. You started sleeping at night better and for that I am grateful. About a month ago you decided that it was okay to go 6-8 hours between feedings at night. This has helped mommy and daddy tremendously. But I have to be honest, I sometimes get a little freaked out when I wake up and it's been 8 hours and you haven't awoken to eat. I check your breathing by placing my hand on your tummy and once I know you are okay then I can go back to sleep. Every once in awhile you decide you need to eat every 3 hours at night and that's okay too... Albeit, that means we take extra long naps in the morning, my little snuggle bunny.

When you were in my tummy, your daddy and I prayed over you every night and we still do today. We pray for you to continue to grow and develop. We pray that you are protected from all harm. We pray that you come to know Jesus. We believe in the power of prayer in this family and want to instill that into you as well.

You are so beautiful. I know I'm your mommy and I'm biased, but I knew you were beautiful from the first moment I laid my eyes on you. I want you to never doubt that. This world can be cruel to young girls. It will tell you things that aren't true. You are beautiful, my sweet daughter, and I promise to always tell you that because I know someday you may forget it.

Keep growing, pretty girl. Your daddy and I will be here every step of the way cheering you on and loving you.

I love you always,

Mommy

Little Acts of Faith

My dear, sweet reader! I thank you for bearing with me in my absence as we have been adjusting to our life with a newborn and I must say what an adjustment it has been! BUT that is a different post for a different day..

There were some definite surprises that occurred after the arrival of our beloved Baby Blossom. There were a lot of things I anticipated with having a newborn (ie. sleep deprivation, sore boobs from breast feeding, an increase in laundry, being confined to our house for awhile, etc.), but there have been so many things that happened that I didn't anticipate. I didn't anticipate that little acts of faith would continue once Baby Blossom made her way into the world and that has been a huge challenge for me.

Little acts of faith...

I had planned to write this blog post when I was still pregnant with Baby Blossom, but didn't quite make it that far and after having her and experiencing so much of what I did, I felt now was in fact the right time to write it.

When we first found out we were pregnant with Baby Blossom, I struggled with fear. It was almost unbearable, almost all consuming, almost drowning. I had the worst war with fear throughout the first trimester and really throughout my entire pregnancy. I felt the need to guard my heart in case we lost her like we did Sweet Pea, but at the same time I didn't want to keep myself from loving her completely. It was such a strange dichotomy, wanting to dream about her and imagine her being her with us and also trying to protect myself from pain in case she went to heaven first.

BUT as the weeks progressed I found myself realizing that I couldn't live as though I would lose her and it was time to put a little faith on display through actions. After all, faith really is an action word. Hebrews 11 (commonly known as the faith chapter) is full of faith action words: by faith Abel brought, by faith Noah built, by faith Abraham obeyed and went, by faith Jacob blessed,  by faith Joseph spoke, etc. It was time for Jessica to do some things by faith. 

I referred to them as little acts of faith. Not big, not grandiose, but small every day tasks that helped me battle fear and walk by faith.

I remember one evening in my first trimester, Kevin and I were grocery shopping at Publix. We came to the vitamin section and low and behold there were DHA supplements on clearance. I mean a SUPER STEAL and there were 3 or 4 boxes left. I knew that I needed to be taking DHA while pregnant as the thought of eating any fish in the first trimester sent my stomach into spins. SO when we found these boxes on clearance I knew we should buy them all, but I was seized up by fear. What if we buy all of these and lose the baby and then I have to stare at them, a reminder of what we lost. I remember very distinctly the war going on and the conversation I had with Kevin about it. I finally said to him, by faith Jessica bought the DHA. I chose to complete a little act of faith. It wasn't anything big or dramatic, but to me it was mind altering in defeating the fear.

This continued throughout the pregnancy... Little acts of faith in order to defeat fear. Announcing our pregnancy on Facebook, buying baby things, checking out baby books from the library, buying maternity clothes... All of these are incredibly small tasks, but I associated a huge amount of fear with them because... well... what if we lost her?

What I never anticipated as I progressed through this journey was that the little acts of faith would have to continue once she was born. I never in a million years thought that the almost debilitating fear would continue when she was on this side. In fact, I was so ready for her to be on this side because I thought surely she would be safer than inside. I was so incredibly sick during my third trimester and between lung infections, heartburn, asthma, the flu, and a number of other illnesses seemingly on a cocktail of drugs at all times. I was terrified about the side effects of the drugs on Baby Blossom... I seriously thought if I could just hold her on this side, I could keep her safe...

And now fast forward to our first night at home after being in the hospital and the realization that we are responsible totally for her well being coupled with a far unhealthy obsession with SIDs and the result was fear beyond measure. I ugly cried the first night that we had to go to sleep at the same time she did as I was scared beyond words that I would wake up and she would be gone... That somehow I would lose this perfect gift much like I had lost Sweet Pea.

And so the little acts of faith continued.... because you can't stay awake forever... Eventually one has to go to sleep.

So every night, I pray protection over her and remind myself that ultimately she is in God's hands and I trust His faithfulness and then I go to sleep.

Your little acts of faith don't go unnoticed, my sweet reader. Be encouraged. He is faithful.

Love,
Jess

Rainbow Baby

My dear sweet readers!

I owe you an apology for my continued absence over the last month! HOWEVER, I am thrilled beyond repair to announce the arrival of our rainbow baby, Baby Blossom She graced us with her presence VERY early in the morning on January 6th. We are so thoroughly in love and so excited that she is finally on this side! We are slowly, but surely adjusting to life with a newborn and as always would appreciate your continued prayer as our journey into parenthood continues.

I promise I will resume posting soon! In the meantime, keep a lookout for me and enjoy these pictures of our rainbow baby.

A Year in Review 2013

It's hard to believe that tomorrow starts a brand new year: 2014... It's hard to believe that almost a year ago we lost our Sweet Pea.... And it's hard to believe that in a few short days we will meet our Baby Blossom.

I have to be real with you, my dear reader, and if there's one thing you can trust it is that I will ALWAYS be real with you. I found myself becoming a little unsure at church this last Sunday. Now mind you, I attend a pretty small local church. We are just a little church plant with no building of our own. We mostly meet out of a local elementary school. Last Sunday because so many of the congregation were out of town for the holidays, it was decided that we would meet out of one our member's homes. It was a very intimate setting, kind of a campfire church if you will. We sang a couple songs accompanied by an acoustic guitar and launched into the sermon. The sermon this week was the kind of sermon one would expect to reflect upon prior to a new year starting.

We were challenged to look back at 2013 and think of all the things we were thankful for that happened within the year as well as to think of all our many blessings. The opportunity was provided for people to present to the congregation their 2013 blessings. Now remember we are all sitting around the living room so at one point it is brought to attention that new life was conceived in 2013 and that's something to be thankful for, a blessing.

Here's the thing, my dear reader, and I want to say this as real and as delicately as possible, I didn't really want to look back over 2013 and count my blessings. 2013 was not good to me and my family and quite frankly the last thing I wanted to do was review the year and tell everyone around me how blessed I felt. Please hear me right, I KNOW that I AM blessed beyond measure with far more than I deserve, but at that moment I didn't FEEL blessed. With the VAST exception of our beautiful Baby Blossom, when I look back at the last year I see a whole lot of tragedy. We lost Sweet Pea and began the grieving process over our first baby. My grandmother became INCREDIBLY ill and spent months in the hospital. We found out eventually that she had contracted the West Nile Virus and she passed away in August. She passed away before we knew if we were having a girl or boy and so we never got to tell her that our little girl would be her namesake. A month later, almost to the hour, my uncle passed away as well. It seemed like one tragedy after another attacked my family this year so you'll have to pardon me if the last thing I felt like doing was counting my blessings.

Can y'all just go with me here for a second? Sometimes, I feel like we as Christians trivialize brokenness and pain. Like because we are believers we should only look at the good things that happen to us and not focus on the bad. It drives me crazy... that sort of "at least" mentality. For example, my mother-in-law made a comment to me recently that really boiled me up. I know, I know, I know that she didn't mean anything ugly by it, but it still really hurt. We were talking about the loss of my grandmother and she was commenting on a picture of my mom, my grandmother, and I sitting on the side table. I opened up to her and said that it broke my heart that our daughter would never be able to have a 4 generation picture and she wouldn't know my grandmother. My mother-in-law said to me "well at least you knew your grandmother". At least... Because that makes the loss easier? Because that makes everything else better? Because that made me "get over it" faster? I hate this "at least" mentality. Nothing about losing my grandmother is a blessing. Nothing about losing my first baby is a blessing. Can't we just call it what it is and say it sucks? I feel like that provides some much more healing then always trying to look for the blessings around tragedy... When we acknowledge the pain to each other instead of pretending it doesn't exist or solely 'counting your blessings', in my mind and experience, that ministers healing. Can anyone else resonate with this? Please hear me right, I'm not saying that counting your blessings isn't a beautiful practice and a helpful one too... I'm simply saying that sometimes we need to acknowledge the pain as very real and present and not try to "at least" it, ignore it, or shove it away.

I don't listen to country music so one of you will have to help me out as far as singer and song name, but I feel like the lyrics to this one country song ring true for me right now: "God is great, but sometimes life ain't good." He is great, but we live in a fallen world and bad things happen to good people. Brokenness happens, pain happens, loss happens and it's okay to look through it all and say I don't know what was good about that, but I believe that God's will is perfect and He will work all things together for my good.

Happy New Year!

Love,
Jess